11/30/2014
According to Wikipedia there are 154 phobias. That is not counting phobias to different animals. Just for the heck of it I looked to see if there is a phobia for fear of someone who has Alzheimer's. There is not. That got me thinking about spelunking. I know you are scratching your head and saying to yourself, "what the heck is she talking about." Well, if I was standing at the mouth of a cave that goes God knows where, but he isn't talking, I would no sooner jump in that hole and see how far down in the earth I could go than jump into thin air off a skyscraper without a parachute.
When Alzheimer moved in to our house we had zero knowledge about this disease. No one in our family history had ever had the disease and none of us had the slightest idea what would be happening. There is plenty of literature and information available to anyone who cares to read about Al but what about the fear. Sometimes the more you read about a medical condition the worse it seems. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, severe rheumatoid arthritis, acid reflux and insomnia. I do not know one side effect for any of the medication I take for these conditions. I have my husband read all the enclosed literature and told him if any of those symptoms show up let me know. I am a firm believer that if you have a preconceived notion in your head about something than you will do your best to manifest some or all of the information you obtain. So Alzheimer had no strong foothold on my mind when this all started 4 years ago.
I have become super sensitive to any noise that is out of the ordinary, check on JW at least 10 times a day when I am home, try to help Mother with small house hold chores, encourage JW to eat by getting different little items of food. Pick up odds and ends at the store when I am out. The list goes on and on. JW gets angry if you try to make decisions for him. He tells his doctors that it doesn't matter what he says, I am going to make the final decision. I am his health proxy and I can tell you that hole just keeps getting deeper.
Emotional ups and downs is another thing that keeps getting bigger and deeper. Anyone who has any regular contact with someone with a terminal disease is going to feel totally different emotionally and spiritually. You think that you are making the right health choices for a person with Alzheimer's. What if you make the wrong choice. There I go jumping in that hole again. I find that when you start second guessing yourself then the choices you make may not be as sound as your first decision. I do not take this role lightly but it's my Father. I try not to sound tyrannical when I talk to my parents but sometime I catch myself talking to them like they are the children and I am the parent. Like I am the only one in the room that has anything to say. I REALLY have to watch myself or I am going to offend someone and cause hard feelings. What am I going to do tell them to take a time out on the couch.
Things are difficult for Mother right now. She is struggling to accept the fact that she may have to ask for assistance from the V.A. She is extremely proud and mountain folk take care of their own. Ok, that may work in the Appalachian Mountains with lots of relatives around to help BUT in New York with only myself, husband and son's family it gets a little more complicated. I did finally get her to use the wheelchair to move him from their room to his recliner. When I went downstairs to fix them lunch today she was actually joking about JW not sitting in his wheelchair but pushing it to his chair. I don't care how he gets to his chair, just as long as he does it safely.
You would think that my husband James would be crazy about now because I take a totally different view on illness than he does. His attitude is everyone is going to die. I don't mean that to sound callous but he is more logical than I am. James grew up in an orphanage and I'm beginning to think (after 24 years with him) that he sees life and death on a totally different plain than I do. He talks to JW with kindness and compassion. Talks to him about things I cannot. He jumped in that hole right along beside me and I am eternally grateful. When I am crying or sitting on a really big pity pot he will put me upright and tell me that to serve my fellow man whether it be parent or stranger there is no greater deed. Whoa, I am getting really deep in this hole.
I think that I will just keep learning how to free fall and keep up with Al. Today is a good day. JW is dry, feed and clean. I will ask for no more.
Happy Spelunking. Enjoy every minute. I think I may take up BASE jumping.
Phyllis
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