In dreams He walks

January 14, 2017

When you are dealing with a zillion different feelings that is connected to Alzheimer you tend to accept what it is.  After we took down the Christmas tree in JW's room I moved the antique, rickety, small, accent table to a corner and put a reading lamp. I was thinking that the lamp would be a good addition to his room so if we were sitting with him for 2 or 3 hours at a time and he was sleeping we could read. The built in hospital lamp that is over the head of his bed is not really adequate to read by. Seeing that we are with him, on our days, from 4: pm to 7:30 pm we really needed the extra light. When Carol is there, my best friend from high school days, who jumped right in to help us when we needed spiritual and emotional help, her hours are usually from 12 noon to around 1:30 or 2 pm.

Tonight when I took Mother in to the care center they had the corner lamp on and his television and I couldn't help but feel that it was almost a pleasant room to walk into. Right there is my point. I try not to dwell on the fact that JW can't walk any longer. I try not to think about his legs atrophying. I try not to dwell on the fact that he cusses and swears every time they turn him because he says his knees hurt. I have tried but in a dream last night, he walked. It was a simple dream, no biggie. I don't even remember what it was about or where we were. All I remember is JW walked.

I knew that this was going to get harder. I knew, in my mind, that I would have to deal with things that I have never had to deal with before. I accepted that. I am having to deal with things that I never thought of.

Mother's birthday was today. She turned 87. JW turned 89 last November. I am so lucky to still have them with me. Losing James' Poppy last month hit everyone so hard and he was 90. I know that I can't have my parents with me always. When I started this blog in November 2014 I did it so I could share my frustrations and accomplishments dealing with Alzheimer. JW was diagnosed in June of 2009. Mother and my family have weathered alot of changes but did I think I would still be dealing after going on 8 years. No. This disease has been my constant companion. We have had to miss family events because I was afraid to leave my parents alone. Even now, Mother would not go on vacation with us because I know she was afraid that JW would pass while she was gone. We are talking Florida. We could fly back here in 1 1/2 hours. I know that he has 24/7 care. I hope that to him in his Alzheimer mind he does not know 1 hour from 1 day.

As much as I try to convince myself that I am doing okay with this mess, in dreams He walks.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts..

Peace,
Phyllis ♥