Talking to a photograph

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I have started to put pictures of JW all over the place. I have one on my night stand, computer room, and dresser. I sometimes think that I am losing it because I talk to these pictures. I miss JW so much that if I am looking at his picture I can talk about my day, say good-night, say hello and see his happy smiling face. I don't get to see the happy smiling face much these days and I still wonder and ponder why this is happening to us. The care center is doing all they can for him and I know that. I guess I wonder why must he go through this alone. I know the final walk will be alone but why has he been put in room somewhere alone. Everyone tells me that there are 100 people with him, he is not alone. We have someone there every day and still I worry. Mother and JW have been married 68 years this September 14th. They have shared a bed for all that time. What must it be like to wake up in the middle of the night and be alone in the dark. It is not a foreign concept to me, James and I have separate rooms. He snores and grids his teeth. I need to sleep so the solution to that problem is opposite ends of the house. When we are on vacation and need to share a room I have to be medicated to get any rest. However, when JW wakes up and he cannot walk or move very much how is he feeling. I have prayed to my brother-in-law who passed in November to visit Dad in the night to keep him company. I have prayed to GOD to keep him company in his mind. I sometime feel like getting up in the middle of the night and go see JW. I know when I get there he would be sleeping and not aware I was even there. They have agreed to give him stronger medication at bed time so he can sleep. I read an article in my daily devotion about a man who had a automobile accident and was paralyzed from the neck down. I can't imagine that, never being in that position, but can only try and think how I would feel. When I broke my leg 2 years ago I had an out right panic attack because I was in a cast. I knew that it was temporary but looking at the injury gave me such a feeling of panic that I had to be medicated for the first week every 4 hours. How does JW feel when he can't move. When does the quality of life become the first thing that you think about for the patient that you are a care giver for? My Mother just turned 87. I can see the slow decline in her health and it scares the hell out of me. I have had her here in our house for 17 years. My family lives all over the U.S. and when I have lost a family member it has not really emotionally hit me because I never hardly ever see them. With James' family I see them quite frequently and when I lose one of them I am totally lost. I don't believe that the specter of death shows up to take you away. It is stated in the Bible that an Angel will be sent to escort you to heaven. I want to believe that. I want to thank that Angel when they come to get JW or Mother or me for taking us from this world of worry and fear to where ever we are headed. I ask for grace to get me to the end of my time here on this earth. 🌎

I am not going to give you my opinion on anything political BUT I am so tired of listening to everyone in the darn world dumping on President Trump. He won, get the hell over it. I can give 2 hoots about who is wearing what, who had to sit by themselves for 2 minutes during fashion week, how much it costs to guard Trump tower. If you are receiving Social Services and refuse to take a drug test, sorry I don't want my tax dollars to go in your pocket. I have to work to pay my bills. Would I like to have free medical care, phone, Internet, and food. Maybe, but it is called a work ethic and some how that has gotten lost along the way some where. How about if you need financial help because you are medically unable to work, that you can prove, then we may be able to assist you. Some how there are people who believe that they are entitled to my tax dollars paying their way. Nope. Not how it works people. I just had my taxes done and I have to start putting extra money away each month because I have to pay more taxes. New York is number one in the country for taxes. Hell, California is number 6 and all I would have to worry about is dropping into the ocean when the Big One comes. Why do I live here. Because JW is here. I will never be able to leave. I will stay and love Mother and JW until I am no longer relevant.

OK the rant is over. I feel much better now. I am going to go talk to Dad.
Have a good night.

Peace, Phyllis ♥