"The Talk"

11/25/2014

JW is having a really hard time walking. Mother has convinced him to use his walker but he can barely make it from the bed to his chair in the living room. The hip that has the 3 rods in it is having a real hard time walking. We have had the talk about taking JW to the VA to have some evaluation done. We may need a new x-ray of the hip. Just in case there is something else going on in there. JW still recognizes us (most of the time) and I am rethinking the promise I made to him 20 years ago that I would never put him in a nursing home. He did not have Alzheimer's when I made that promise.
I told Mother that once we have him placed in the Alzheimer's unit at the VA we have to face the possibility that he may not come back out. It is only 2 days until Thanksgiving and I know that she is thinking about that. I am torn between wanting him in a controlled environment where he has medical supervision 24 / 7 and not wanting him out of my sight so I can control everything.

The thing is I have control over nothing. We pamper JW so much and I know that he will not get that individual attention in the hospital. The fact that he sleeps 18 hours out of a 24 hour day helps but if his pull ups are damp Mother will change his clothes 3 or 4 times a day. That will not happen in the hospital. I'm trying not to let the depression overcome me. When I think of JW being away from the house where he has been since we bought the house I am overcome with sadness.

Logically I know that we all are going to die. Emotionally I don't want to deal with dying. JW is 87. We really did not expect him to be with us this long. I guess he surprised us all.  I want Mother to be able to relax for awhile and maybe JW will surprise us all again and be able to walk better after a short stay in the hospital. I told Mother that I would respect what ever she decided to do. If she calls the ambulance to come and get him I will be with her and we will cross that bridge. Since JW was diagnosed 4 years ago my Mother and I have always called any incident a bridge. I read a poem once titled "The Rainbow Bridge."  This poem is about all the pets you will see in heaven at the rainbow bridge. I try to visualize a bridge with the problem at one side and the solution at the other side.

Mother and I discuss everything that we can for a resolution and then we cross the bridge together. If Mother passes first, then by default I will lose my Father at the same time.

I guess I will cross that bridge when I have too.