What was I Thinking

April 4, 2015

Don't ever let yourself be lulled into the feeling that everything is going smoothly and what possible could happen next. What happens next will smack you up side of your head and get you right back in a state of mind that was right where you started from.

First situation. Miss Brittany went back to college and had to start coming to care for JW between 3:30 and 5:30. I told Mother that we would try it for a couple of weeks but if JW could not adjust than we would have to go back to the 1 to 3 spot. JW has ate dinner between 4:30 pm and 5 pm for 4 years. It will be 5 years in June that he was diagnosed so I suppose I can say that he has had a strong pattern in place for almost 5 years. Last Tuesday JW was so tired by the time Miss Brittany got here that he threw one of his pouty fits and point blank refused to get in the shower. No problem I called the charge nurse and asked her would it be possible to have someone placed back in the 1 to 3 spot so JW was not so fatigued when it was time for shower and shave. No problem, I was assured. Last night JW is asking for Miss Brittany and I'll be darned if I had already made arrangements to replace her. Last night was the first time that he had ever mentioned Miss Brittany so now I am second guessing myself and asked Mother, "Did I make a big mistake." Mother says no, I made the right move because by dinner time he has to have rested for 1 1/2 to 2 hours so that he can feed himself. OK, I will pretend that I did the right thing and carry on.

Second situation. Our Aunt Ginny passed away on Thursday. How do I explain how that feels. My first cousin Ginny Lou, Ginny's daughter, was working on her Doctrine in Marine Biology some 20 years ago. She was involved in a motor vehicle accident where her vehicle was hit head on by a drunk driver. It took her 20 years to die from the traumatic brain injury that she sustained. My Aunt Ginny was primary care giver to her for that 20 years. Ginny Lou was wheelchair bound and could not speak. She could move one hand. She had to have 24 hour care and everything had to be done for her. My Aunt Ginny did all this. Her love for her daughter was never wavering. Never complained and was my heroine. I used her as an example for love and patience for 20 years. Ginny Lou passed away in 2012 from pneumonia and it was like a switch had been turned off. Aunt Ginny was devastated. When she passed on Thursday she was 90 years old and died from the flu.

Third situation. JW is the last surviving sibling in his family. My Mother is the last surviving sibling in her family. If Mother goes first, I lose Mother and Father on the same day. If JW goes first I hope to have Mother for a little longer. I chose this path. I stayed here for some reason. New York is my home. Mother just found out that JW has been categorized for placement in a nursing facility. After a very emotional talk I explained that it had to be done in the event she goes first. James and I are not equipped to care for all of JW's needs and I had no other choice.

I hate this. What in the name of all that is holy was I thinking.

Phyllis