Just Breath

March 21, 2016

Every thing is moving so quickly I don't have time to breath.

Last Wednesday I went to see Dr. Sean and was put in a larger than my size regular shoe so that I could drive. I had called the Dr. to get permission to drive for 5 miles a week from this past Saturday. After all the nurses had laughed at me and took messages I was insured that they would get his decision back to me. I explained that I had just wanted to drive my Mother to get her hair done and right back home. I was cleared for that one time and one time only permission to drive 5 miles. I felt so strange driving that I probable looked like a newbie getting her learners permit. This past Wednesday I was cleared to ditch the crutches (unless I felt the need to use them due to swelling) and drive short distances. I had taken the day off because I had to take JW to the V.A. not much longer after my appointment. We went there for a hard lump that JW had on his abdomen for well over a year and 1 week and 4 days before his appointment it had abscessed and broken open. It was a mess and I had Mother make the first available appointment.

As it turned out we went from his doctor appointment on the first floor right up to surgery on the second floor. It turned out that he had a sebaceous cyst that had ruptured. They were going to lance it and let it drain however when the surgeon saw it he conferred with another doctor and decided to remove it. Daddy looked terrified. I told Mother I was staying with him and because I tend to get nauseous when I see blood we had a dilemma. The scrub nurse was the sweetest thing, her name was Kathy, she had me sit behind a curtain and right in line with JW's ear so he could hear my voice. Mother came in also and we talked the whole time that he was being prepped. I told Kathy that it calmed him down to rub the top of his head. Don't ask me why I remembered this but every time he is in the hospital I rub the top of his head and his blood pressure seems to lower and his breathing gets less labored. Every time I started to get up to go towards him Kathy would tell me to stay right where I was and she would let me know when it was time to come out. Turned out to be quite the experience. Mother and I made it though. JW seems to be progressing well and we are going to let the nurse give him a shower tomorrow.

My work environment is going to change quite a bit starting the first week of April. The government offers a program where we can work at home for 3 days a week if we choose to. The first sign up that they had I had decided that I was not going to participate. I had too many questions and I was deciding if I felt I can be as productive at home as I am in the office. I had James boost up my computer speed and reconfigure my computer credenza so I could fit my leg through the back wall. (He cut 1/4 of the back wall out) Now I can sit with my leg on one of the shelves, with a pillow, with my foot sticking out the back. I figure no one will see it so it's fine. I removed all the extra equipment that I had hooked up to my computer and now I will have all the room I need to try working at home. I talked to the coworkers that I have the most interaction with and told them that I was only an instant message, email or phone call away. The main reason that I want to try this is because I will be home for 3 days a week. Mother told me that she is the most comfortable when she knows I am here and I have my telephone right next to me. I guess when something does happen I would like to get to them as soon as I could.

One thing that is heart breaking is JW is searching all the time for his Mother and Father. He is about 50 years in the past and wants to know why Gram does not come to see him any longer. He asked why they weren't at the hospital with him. Months ago when he asked me this and I said that they were in heaven. That did not translate. He told me that Gram was here last week. She passed in the 70's and Grampa passes in the 60's.  I said no they were living in heaven with Jesus and he started to cry. Then he asked me if he could go to heaven and I told him that he did not have his ticket yet.  Mother says that every night when they pray, he talks to Jesus and wants to know why his Mother and Father are not here. This is very difficult for me to handle. Just like your children you want to protect this human from pain. I can't help this pain. I am just trying to breath. I try not to cry but  Alzheimer affects everyone in family. It is a horrible disease. We have been in this living mess for 7 years this June. Don't get me wrong. I choose to take care of my parents, I committed to that years ago and I don't regret one minute. What I do regret is what this disease has done to my Father. I am sure that if he was in any sort of frame of mind to speak his peace this would not be what he would want. No one wants this.

Please keep us in your prayers. Please pray for families that do not have the ideal conditions to live with this upheaval in their life's. If you ever are in contact with a family that has Alzheimer in their house encourage them to get assistance. Caregivers can be prone to depression in direct relationship with what they deal with on a daily basis.

Happy Spring, new flowers are on the way. I already have snow drops popping through.

Peace, Phyllis