Saturday
July 23, 2016
The last stage. The words that no one wants to hear from a doctor. Today I had to face the fact that no time in the near future will my Father be able to come back home. Now, being Daddy's girl, that is the last thing I want to hear.
Wednesday night Mother called up at 9:30 and said "I need help, I can not get JW out of his chair". JW did not have the strength to stand up. James and I managed to get him into his wheelchair and I asked my Father, "Daddy, do you want me to call the ambulance." He shook his head yes and so we called for back up. They seemed to take forever to get here and you are in a high state of anxiety anyway. When we finally got to the V.A. Hospital Mother and I knew that this was different than the other times when we had taken this road. The ER doctor explained to me that because he was unable to stand up or walk that they were going to have to admit him. OK, we have done that before and he usually stays a few days and then he can come back home.
That was not to be. Thursday morning his case worker from the Alzheimer's unit called me to let me know that the physical therapy had been in to see JW and he was unable to recognize even the simplest instructions. In other words, there was not going to be any rehabilitation this time. I know that he is in stage 5, I know that this day was coming, I know that I have had him here with me for 16 years, I know the last 7 years have been beyond stressful for our family, I know, I know, I know. I still fell apart. The doctor's are suggesting that we locate a highly medical trained managed facility to move your Father. Mother can not take care of his medical needs if he cannot walk. I politely told Nicole, his case worker, that I cannot make that decision on my own. This involves my husband, Mother, myself and my brother's family. This is a family decision. I talked to Mother and James. Mother contacted my brother and his family and we decided where we would prefer to send my Father. Out of the 12 facilities that are available in our county we picked our top 2. There is no guarantee we will get one of those but there is a chance that we may.
This morning I had a meeting with one of JW's doctor team. I wanted to see if his vital organs were starting to shut down, I wanted to see if his body could withstand the move to a managed facility, I wanted to see if he was eating, I wanted to see if he was cared for the way we would care for him, I wanted someone to feed him his favorite yogurt, I wanted the stuffed puppy that my brother gave him to be front and center on his table, I wanted to cry a little bit and I wanted to be absolutely sure that I have done everything that I could possible do and not feel this weight of guilt on me that I was giving up.
Mother and I have had some pretty serious conversations in the last couple of days and we know that everything humanly possible has been done. It is up to someone else now to take over. I took her to the grocery store and it was the first time in 7 years that she has not had to rush back because JW might need her. We went to the thrifty shopper after that and had a very pleasant time shopping. We are going to get dressed and go the church in the morning. The first time in almost 3 years that we have been to the church. I am taking her to a concert Tuesday night. She also is having separation anxiety. After 24/7 constant care we are at lose ends. It's frightening not to be able to keep constant watch over him. I can only pray that the staff takes extra care with him.
You have to find your own mental peace. Just know that you have done the very best that you can and there may come a point where you are not equipped to care for your loved one. He needs more attention then we are able to give him. I don't mean love and attention, I mean medical attention. I'm glad that God has carried me this far. I know that there are only one set of footprints on the sand. I know who those footprints belong too. Not me.
He's my Father.
Love, Phyllis ♥
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