I take it back

Sunday
August 14, 2016

Remember when we were young and we made the ludicrous statements like, "I wish I was older",
I wish I was in charge", "I wish I was my own boss", I wish, I wish, I wish.  I take it all back.
I don't want to make anymore of these decisions, I don't want to be in charge, I don't want to not answer to anyone. When you are the only one to blame for your decisions in life it sure causes alot of grief.

I now can honestly say that anyone in this world that is a care giver for elderly or disabled members of their family have an awful lot of responsibility placed on them. When my family started this journey 7 years ago this past June never in a million years would I be able to envision what that journey would be made of. This is going to sound pretty selfish but I was kind of thinking that okay you get old, you slow up, you need help and then poof that was the end. How could I have had a 5 year old mentality at 65 years of age. I never thought of all that is involved with this process.

I would have never thought that I had to learn that chewing food burns calories and if you put your family member on puree'd food it is easier for them because they don't have to chew as much. WHAT!! There is a special pad that you put under someone in their wheel chair that is so thin you, in your supposedly advanced mind, could never believe that is is better for them to sit on than the huge sheep's wool blanket that you bought years ago. I never even gave it a second thought that if I person is going to fall out of bed you should have their bed lowered to the floor and mats placed around the bed. (I could have used that one months ago when I fell out of my bed for the first time). Who knew that one of the residents in the care center, for no apparent reason, rolls around in his wheel chair and pounds in all the seams of the walls with his fist. Another resident rolls around the whole time that I have ever seen her and takes everything that is not nailed down and hides it behind her back in the wheel chair only for it all to fall out of the hole between her seat and back panel.

All of these resident's are precious to someone. Every time Mother leaves she  hugs each and everyone and say's good-bye see you next time I am here. JW seems to know, now after 3 weeks, that we are not leaving him for ever, just for a short time. They have given him a new wheel chair that reclines. I still haven't figured out to use it to his full advantage but I will practice this afternoon.  Yesterday I was on a mission to find a lawn chair that is a lounger. No luck. They all seem to be just a regular lawn chair. I was thinking that if Mother got tired she could put that lawn chair next to JW's bed and talk with him. I still will keep looking but the end of summer is probable not the right time.

I had a meeting with JW's care team this past Wednesday and I was shocked into silence more than one time. Not being at all familiar with the procedures and operating regulations of a nursing home I had done some research on the laws in New York concerning how many people had to be on duty at any given time and what the rules and regulations for moving residents are and safety issues. After some of the finer points were explained to me I felt much better about the anxiety I was feeling about leaving him there. I do not care what anyone tells you. "It's what is best", "You did the right thing", "You needed the rest", "He is better off", so on and on. It is still my Father that I have had for 65 years in my life. It is still the person who has lived downstairs on the first floor of my house for 16 years. I still cry at any given second. I'm still Daddy's girl.

I take it all back, I don't want to be a grown up any longer. I just want to tell him good-night, kiss him on the cheek and go home. Whether that be up the stairs or 7 miles down the road.

Peace, Phyllis ♥

P.S. James bought me a lokai® balance bracelet yesterday and if you do not know what they are you need to check them out. Mine is the High-Low one. Water from Mt. Everest (the highest point on earth) "Sometimes you're on top of the world. Stay humble." Mud from the Dead Sea (the lowest point on earth) "Sometimes you've hit a low. Stay hopeful." Ain't that the truth.