December 5, 2016
Listen. Do you hear it. The beat of your heart. We all have it and some of us miss the experience for our whole life. I have been wondering why some of us hear the quiet and others don't hear it at all.
Over the past 7 weeks I have lost 5 members of my family. My Aunt Shirley yesterday, Janette on James' side a couple of weeks ago, my brother-in-law, Wendell, on November 5th, Uncle Carmen at the end of October and my sister-in-laws cook the week of November 14th. I am numb with grief. My first cousin, Sam, was murdered 6 years ago Wednesday and his body has never been found. We know who killed him and why but not enough evidence to convict. I keep thinking that JW in his sheltered cocoon of Alzheimer's has no idea what our family is going through. I am trying to process all the bad news and find myself wondering when will the process be done. Do you ever recover from the lose? When does the numbing pain become just a hazy part of your heart??
Mother and I spent the day with JW at the care center on Saturday and I found myself sitting next to his bed and just rubbing the top of his head and watching him sleep. It is usually really quiet on the end of the ward where JW's room is. They moved a resident across the hall from Dad's room to a facility that specializes in MS and Cerebral Palsy care and Felicia made noise 24 hours a day and I missed that noise on Saturday. Listen, do you hear the quiet?? I know I told you month's ago that rubbing the top of Dad's head quiets him. I put up a small tree with lights and decorative Christmas balls on it. I asked him if he could see it and he smiled. Daddy has been there 4 months and 1 week. The guilty feeling still threatens to over take me every once in a while. I promised I would never put him in a nursing home. Promises change. He can no longer walk, Mother and I cannot provide the care that he needs. This is where the emotional part of the brain crys. The logical part of the brain makes the health care decisions that ensure that your loved one is getting the best care that they can receive in a horrible situation. The whole family is involved in this decision, even if I made the call. I still cry and hope that when I stand in front of my maker and he asks me, "What did you do with the life I gave you." I honestly can say " Everything you asked me to do."
James' Poppi has been in the hospital since last Monday. He is in full blown dementia and unfortunately his children are making all the decisions with their heart not with their heads. When choices are made that stand in the way of him getting the best treatment for his immediate needs then the rest of us have to stand down and deal with the results. As of tonight he is heavily sedated, refusing water and food. He pleaded with James today to take him home so he can die in peace. All of us have to face the reality and some refuse to. I hope that his immediate family can come to a decision that will make him more comfortable. James asked to be removed as health proxy because the natural children are unable to agree on pretty much everything. I have not made any comments to them because I will say something that is not going to be well received.
Our family has been dealing with dementia and Alzheimer's for 7 years. I pretty much have gone the gammit of emotions. Am I right in all things, NO. Am I able to live with my decisions, YES. I have done research and question everything. I keep constant tabs on JW and we have someone with him every day. I know that he is gaining weight, with pureed food, and has other people in and out of his room at 24 hours a day. He has the television on for background noise and is under fluffy, soft blankets. The care center adjusts his meds according to his needs and I truly have no huge complains. I am kind of annoyed with the red tape that goes with this whole care center requirements. If an elderly person tried to do all this on their own there is no way they could handle all of it.
I read something the other day that a person with Alzheimer's may not know who you are but they do reconize that you are someone that they love. That is all I am asking for right now. Daddy, know that I love you and I am sorry that I could not keep my promise.
Peace
Phyllis ♥
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