The pieces of my heart are getting low

September 2, 2017

There has been so much going on that I have lost track of time and space.  I took a bad fall a few weeks ago and believe it or not I hit the back of my head on a plaster wall. I know you are thinking what the hell are you doing girl. I thought that I was OK, just a little stunned. Nope. In the next couple of days after the fall my neck swollen up and ended up pinching a nerve in my neck. So as a result of that I lost the use of my arms and hands. A trip to urgent care, CAT scan, X-rays and lots of crying. Thank goodness James took Mother to the care center to take care of JW.

I finally got a pain management plan from my rheumatologist and NY Spine and Wellness. I am now on a few medications to help control pain. PLUS I have been put on oxygen at night to sleep. Trying to get used to that. I admit that I was slow to come on board with that. The psychological effect is so strong that your mind cannot process all of it.

I am still having to deal with Social Services. They have not approved JW for Medicaid so we can pay the 20% on Dad's bills. At the present time we owe over $80,000. Now keep in mind my Father is 89. No home, no vehicle, no savings, no IRA's, no investments and only his Social Security check. We figured it out and the government is paying OVER 1/4 of a million dollars per year for my Father to have 24 hour care. If I thought home aids would show up and take care of JW I would bring him home and have someone take care of him here. My heart breaks every time I leave and he says I want to go home with you. That is the worse. I keep it together till I get outside his room but believe me the pain is real.

You have no idea what he is thinking in his Alzheimer mind but he does know that he does not want to be where he is. He misses us and I miss him. Mother is doing the best she can. Here she is patting me on the back saying, it will be alright, we are going to be fine. All I know is once you see it you cannot forget it. I have over and over tried to imagine how I would feel if I could not move. I wonder all the time if he is sedated enough so he is not in constant pain. I question my decisions over and over. I did donate 6 of his beautiful paintings to the care center. When I said I would donate paintings from his collection in his studio the assumed that it was from paintings he had collected. No, these are painting that he painted. If I ever figure out how to put picture on here I will put some up.

I am asking for prayers. GOD's will be done. Help me understand.

Thank you so much for all of you that have stuck by me over the years.

Peace ~ Phyllis ♥